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“The soul usually knows what to do to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind.”

— Caroline Myss

Tonight I almost broke us, and it almost broke me. My mind doesn’t know when to quit. My soul knows this is where it’s meant to be.

10 Aug

I awoke at 5:20 this morning and could not go back to sleep. All I could think was “the air is thick with loss and indecision”.

10 Aug

surqrised:

“No matter how attractive a person’s potential may be, you have to date their reality.”

— Mandy Hale

10 Aug

resqectable:

“You have to meet people where they are, and sometimes you have to leave them there.”

— Iyanla Vanzant

Tonight as we drove home from Colchester, we didn’t even get in a fight - at least I hadn’t thought we did. We were talking about Dylan and Gus relationship and his way of thinking, and I may have made a comment relating it to us or to what I want when it comes to marriage.

Somehow it turned into stubborn preaching about the stupidity of the institution of marriage and how nothing will change if we we get married tomorrow and how he needed to know he could trust me financially first to buy a house together, and with an apartment we could just bolt if need be - to which I said oh so you were trying to lock me and trap me? I can still leave with a house. And he told me no, you’d have to declare bankruptcy and nobody wants that for themselves. I instantly had the thought, which I did not say, that I would take bankruptcy in a heart beat if it meant being free. I didn’t mean being free of him but I did mean a senses of freedom that I can’t quite articulate, that I don’t currently feel, that part of me is a afraid to have and another part of me desperately craves.

But when he started belittling me about my desire for marriage in a certain order in my life and speaking in a condescending manner about how it’s just a piece of paper and the institution is failing and divorce rates are high and why do I need a rock on my finger to show off in order to have declare commitment which is and shows regularly and what would a $50k wedding change? It wouldn’t change anything and it wouldn’t change anything our life would be the exact same tomorrow as it is today - all said after how I explained it (marriage) was important to me - the order of things is important to me, and I’m loosing time in my life as I have a biological clock ticking and I need that time to even decide if I want kids, and that me buying a house with him before having a ring on my finger was a sacrifice I made for him because it was what he wanted an the order he wanted it is - I realized something, and it broke my heart.

I’ve known it for a while now, and I’ve been trying not to listen to that voice in my head that tells me I’m never going to get what I want here. Not really.

I shouldn’t have to ask someone to propose to me - they should want to. I shouldn’t have to ask someone to take the next step in life with me (buying a house, getting a dog, getting married - his order) - they should want to. I should feel like my wants and needs are valued and considered by my partner - not a burden or something they fight against.

He asked me twice on that car ride, after he stopped his most hurtful rant, if I was ok. With tears streaming down my face. With my child wobbling like a kid before a meltdown. With my glass heart being shattered. Both times I said, yes I’m fine.

The entire hour car ride, various Taylor swift songs played in my head in a way that I felt in my soul. First it was “Stop - you’re losing me. I can’t find a pulse, my heart won’t start any more” then it was “your heart was glass I dropped it” and “sometimes you just don’t know the answer til someone’s on their knees and asking” and then it was So Long London. “How much sad did you, think I had, did you think I had in me” and “I’m pissed off I let you have all that youth for free”. And I thought about how easy it would be for me to uproot my life. How much happier I might be.

And that’s the worst part. I know there are things and people I would grieve and miss. But I know I could do it. I pictured moving home, being close to my family and the kids, going on the Town with Sarah as we try to meet new guys; going to workout classes in the morning; applying to new jobs. I know I could do it. It was the first time I thought about doing it and didn’t think about how much it would hurt him. I only thought about me. And this was the first time that I didn’t think I was being selfish but rather that it might actually be the strong thing - and maybe I’ve been weak.

As I sit here and write this, we just got home. We haven’t had a chance to talk about it - and I know we will. I want it to work out so badly - to get what I want. But I can’t help but think “You know when it’s time to go”.

20 Jul

Sometimes I just want to runaway and start a new life. Sometimes I feel smothered by my own choices. Sometimes I want to make new choices and fuck up everything. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting that. Sometimes I convince myself I don’t really want that. Sometimes I know that is just my subconscious unable to deal with tough emotions. Sometimes I don’t seem to know that.